lish (defunct_rose) wrote,

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Back in the saddle again.

I've been thinking for a really long time now, and I can't quite put my finger on what point at which this thing happened to me, or what it is really. I feel as though a slow and subtle change has occurred over the years and I lost myself with it. Part of me thinks this is due to growing up, changing, realizing who you are as an adult... And yet another part of me knows that I've compromised much of the person I used to be in this process. I feel like I've lost a lot of interest in the world and in some people, growing apart is quite definitely the most confusing aspect. Sadly there are some people I've forced to grow apart from me. I never meant to, I never meant to do a lot of things but I did. Even against my own will, that might have been my self destructive side at its best.

The degree of clarity and peace of mind that I have now is not quite what it used to be, but then again maybe I'm just romanticizing my own memories. I've heard that the most painful parts of a person's life are often looked back on as the best ones, I agree because that's when I learn the most about myself. Maybe I just need to start embracing these thoughts and and I'll be able to also embrace a bit of clarity and focus again. Oh the paradox of life.

Somewhere along the line I let myself crash and burn, but finally I feel like coming back to life and putting myself in my best interest for real.
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